If ‘Barbie’ Weighed in on the Mid-Terms

My name is Barbara Millicent Roberts, but most of you know me as Barbie.

You can think of me as a toy, but really, that limited thinking … well, engage in it at your peril. What I am is a sociological marvel.

See, I’m over 60, which means (mostly) females have been projecting their fantasies on to me for decades. I’m a vessel. I take on what they put on me. Some want babies. Some don’t. Some want careers. Some don’t. Some want to be mermaids or rockstars or environmentalists. I become that for them.

And guess what else I am? Single. Yeah, Ken is still around, but he’s never been the star of my show. He comes and goes depending on whose fantasy I’m living.

I couldn’t resist this opportunity to be a substitute columnist for a day (thanks, Nancy Colasurdo!) because these mid-term elections in the United States, whoa. I do my best to stay apolitical, but this seems to be more about trends and patterns and I know a ton about those.

I mean, who’s that Jesse Watters dude over at Fox News talking about single women needing to get married so they’ll turn Republican? And that other guy with all the Twitter followers, Joel Something, who Tweeted that all of us single women are miserable, lonely, alcoholic, and addicted to anti-depressants as we try to get over our abortions? There was even a clip of Ron Filipkowski arguing with some Ron DeSantis fan saying Democrats are trying to damage the family unit because single women tend to vote Dem.

Way to read the room, fellas. You’ve got your finger squarely on the pulse.

So by your logic, if Ken puts a ring on it, I’m going to swoon and all my brain cells will be replaced by little pink hearts and golden stars? Mushy mush fills my plastic mind. Yay, now I don’t have to think. I have a man!

OK, I’m being overly sarcastic. But let’s look at some facts.

I came on the scene in the late 1950s and early 1960s. Mostly all that was expected of me was that I look cutting edge stylish in my red velvet swing coat with the satin lining. The year Roe vs. Wade was decided (1973), two new occupational ensembles for me came out — flight attendant and surgeon. You see, by then we had Gloria Steinem and Dorothy Pitman-Hughes founding Ms…